Almost Unbearable

I’m really not sure why people project their myriad of personality traits onto me. I understand that I can look a little dopey sometimes. You think I’m a big clown lumbering around in the forest. But have you seen my claws? And you know I can run surprisingly fast, right? I’m super big and unfathomably strong, but I can climb a tree easy. I can knock them down too. I’m basically the closest thing you’ll find to a superhero that the lives in the woods.

Fish jump out the water into my mouth. Have you seen that? They just give up. They know I’ll get ’em eventually, so they don’t prolong the inevitable. Campers will hide their food from me, but if I was really hungry, I could just eat them. I know how a tent works. That nylon won’t stop me. But they don’t taste that good and they’re usually wrapped in layers of fabric and stuffing. Plus, they smell funny. Once in a while they make the mistake of just leaving snacks around. It’s hard to resists trail mix. Actually, I take that back. It’s hard to resist M&Ms. You know what I’m talking about. I try to pick them out from the raisins too. But again, have you seen my claws? So usually I just leave them well enough alone.

However, don’t confuse “not caring” with “not smart.” I have no enemies, other than a fool with a gun, and that may not even be enough if I’m really mad. I haven’t mentioned yet that I can go vertical if I feel like it. It’s not a party trick, like your dog will do for a little treat. I can legit walk. But why should I act intimidating? Other big carnivores always seem to have something to prove. Tigers, lions, jaguars…they’re full of themselves. Trying to act tough or aloof, like they’re all that. I don’t need to act. I got swagger because I can back it up.

So you can call me Yogi or Paddington or Winnie the Pooh. Make my likeness into a chewy candy, put honey in me…whatever makes you feel better about the fact that I’m a giant meat eater. I don’t care. Look at this face. Do I look like I care? I could eat your face, but berries taste better and fish are stupid. That’s all I’m sayin’.